For some reason I'm feeling a sense of urgency. I need to make decisions and make 'em fast. Long term decisions like will my daughter go to Harvard or Yale. Will she be on the rowing team or the chess team? Will my middle son get a full ride to Shadduck (sp?) and if so would I retire early to watch him play year round? My oldest, he's right around a B- average, do I get him a full time tutor (i.e. me? where will the time come from? I have about 6 and 1/2 seconds of free time a night). So many huge things in my mind. I feel the things I say to my oldest will shape his attitude for the rest of his life, a B MINUS? WHAT? Did Bill Gates get B minuses? I don't think so buddy!! And the reason his grade average slipped so low, C- in BAND and C- in some sort of class about health and well being. He gets A's in Science and Math and I'm just about to pull my hair out because he doesn't feel like practicing the dang trombone. He told me his music teacher put on Lil' Wayne during free time and then he proceeded to rap it out to me, complete with the missing parts where swear words and the "N" word would be. I felt like smacking him and saying, don't you know that if I was Chinese you would be doing nothing but practicing that trombone EVERY NIGHT. Instead I said something like "see your band teacher is cool! Why don't you participate???" This leads me to the article "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior"...now let's be honest, superiority in itself is subjective, which leads me to all kinds of other thoughts. I basically share the article title so you parents out there can take a look. I found it incredibly interesting and took it with a grain of salt. No, I don't plan on berating my child and telling them they're garbage if they get B's. However, I admit, deep deep down, I am cursing with rage and do expect A pluses, there, I've shared my inner truth.
Next: watched a great PBS documentary on Jeff Bridges. Why do I pay so much for cable?
Next: Watched an even better documentary (maybe not better but absolutely bar none, more important, life changing, riveting) called Every F___ing Day of My Life. It is a must see. If only because you share the notion that I did prior to watching that abused women can just call the police. That is what I thought, a man punches you in the face, you wallop him with a frying pan or what not and then call the cops man! Well this is a stark look at reality and that calling the police may not be a reality for some people. Not when you're front yard is rigged with cameras that can show your lips mouthing "HELP ME" to an officer. Anyway, please please please watch it. Its on Youtube in 10 minute vignettes.
Next: the Other said the "N" word. Its been a while since I've had to deal with anything racial and let alone deal with it with my own partner. I've always felt mixed, biracial; I've always checked the box "Other" for my ethnicity because there is no box for a little Mexican, a little French, a little German, 1/2 Finnish, and the rest Black. However, I never felt more black in my life then when I heard my full caucasian partner utter that word. It felt like someone punched me in the stomach. No, he wasn't talking about me. (or was he??) No he wasn't directing it at me. (or was he??) Well that's what it felt like. I can't seem to get past it. Yes, he's apologized. And because apologies are scarce with Other, I can take it to heart but for the first time, it's not enough and I can't get past it. I want to scream in his face YOUR CHILDREN ARE N*GGERS! I AM A N*GGER. So its a tough one. I've been meditating. Speaking to God. Calling to Buddha. Allah, anyone, any entity, any being. I need some help on this people. I have a family to keep together.
And finally, speaking of family. My oldest son's biological father has popped up. Its been 11 plus years and the ol' change of heart has happened. Can you say what the??!!!?!?!?!??!?! He wants to see "his son" as he says. Hmmmm "his son"...I find that intriguing since they are actually less connected than say, me and the guy I say "hey" to when I go get gas at the Holiday up the street. The Other is not taking it well, as you can guess by the whole N word thing. (is the story coming together? I'm a bit scattered, so sorry). So what do I do? Do we meet at a mall and sit and stare at each other with the only sound being me sucking down a strawberry julius? Do I tell him to come to a hockey game and risk the Other taking his rage out on the guy? So far I've employed the ignore it method.
That's all I got...oh oh oh, I'm reading The Late Homecomer, i'm into more to come
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