So Here I Go Again On My Own......

Oh Whitesnake, you're preachin to the choir! I am goin' down the only road I've ever known...except I'm not.

Couples counseling? Return of the Other? Contemplation of family life is on the brain. It's been about a month without the Other and we're survivin'. He wants to go to counseling...hmmmm...I heard a statistic, which, yes I know, is just a statistic, it said something like 80% of married couples who go to counseling ultimately get divorced. Reason being; in counseling you rehash everything wrong with your marriage versus looking to the future and working on that...Me, I'm big on rehashing, analyzing, picking apart every little thing said, every gesture, every shrugged shoulder, every roll of eye...what's the problem here? I need to know what every insignificant tidbit means in order to get to the bottom of the issue que no? Hmmm so everyone (my mother, father, friends) suggests counseling...and maybe we do need counseling. There are definitely some major things the Other needs some help with, anger, depression, lack of ambition. Really though, how many fellas do you know who are out there searching for their inner self who don't wear a daishiki and aren't practicing tantric sex or something? (Sidenote: has anyone watched HBO's Real Sex? Why are they all filmed prior to 1994? And does every male sex therapist have to wear a turtle neck and a mood ring?) So the Other's got issues that need some work, but the big truth of it all...so do I. WHAAAA???? It's true. I can be a bit bossy...or so I've been told. I figured out that I have a huge ego and think I'm pretty perfect, yup I do. I also figured out that I've taken the Mama Bear thing a bit far...I've bitten and scratched and gnashed my teeth over everything in order to maintain control and in the meantime forgotten there's no "I" in team...oh wow, was that cheesy or what? Well I guess its true. Now the question, do I want to be a team player? I truly don't know. I've always wondered about this whole "need a man" thing. Do I need a man? Its actually been pretty damn great having the pad to myself. I put the kids to bed, I have a cocktail, paint my toes, and watch movies. I mean, yes, I do miss companionship (on Saturdays, not so much the rest of the week) okay enough joking, yes, I miss the guy. I miss the way he picks up the 1yr old and she puts her nose to his and they smile and giggle at each other. I miss the way he takes the boys in the basement for hours to hit foam hockey pucks while I actually accomplish something like cleaning the bathroom.....

So the Other and I are talking, trying to figure out our mojo and what we're gonna do with ourselves. Do we go to counseling? Do we get a joint checking account? Do I give up some control? Do I write up a list of chores for the household and truly run the house like a business? Eeeeewww, but maybe necessary. So that's what's whirling around in this brain o' mine...also some other mega important stuff like:

1) Watched Point Break last night. First, watched the last hour of the movie, then because they played it again, the first hour. RIP Patrick Swayze, you rocked some frosted tips and pleated pants like no other. Also, cannot look at Keanu Reeves without picturing Andy Samburg parodying him and his deadpan face(is parodying a word??). Hi-larious as my gal pal would say. Best line from Swayze's character to Jonnie Utah"You're a radical Son of a Bit*h"

2) Next year I'm donating the Halloween candy 24hrs immediately following the big day. Even the 1yr old is coming home screaming "canny canny canny"

3) I watched Sex In the City 2 (seeeee I get to watch these movies again! separation ain't all bad!), okay wow, over the top. I'm so sure, Dior T-shirts and Laboutin shoes to go to a market or whateva? A quick trip to Dubais to stay in a $22k/night hotel? Riiiight. I'm excited for Breezy Point sans little tikes in December! I will admit to at least 3 costume changes on the weekends though. I have a morning cooking breakfast look, a cleaning and I'm a bit warm now look, a post shower now running errands look and finally a, let me put on my drinkin' pants look...ha, laughing to myself.

4) Last, side ponytails do not belong on anyone who can legally vote. Really. I saw a woman around the age of we'll say 65 to give her the benefit of the doubt. Her makeup was done by the artists from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She had on a red nylon jacket with gold buttons (of course), red high top Reeboks (fo real! Flo Rida is on that!), and a side pony with an oversized RED scrunchie! Yes, I said it, S C R U N C H I E. OH MY G.

Zeppelin said it best "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You"

A friend of mine sent me a text, "when are you going to change your relationship status to single?"...I responded with something about not wanting to answer questions and people being in my "business"...Then I really thought about it and asked myself why I'm so hesitant to declare my status to the world. Those of you who know me know that I am really about the least private person in the world. I mean I spent last Wednesday sobbing at my desk and dabbing at my eyes amidst texting and calling anyone who would listen to me cry silently into the phone. I have a blog, I have a Facebook, I have a Myspace, I have 2 emails, I have a cell phone of which I answer even when faced with stop and go traffic. Soooo to claim privacy is really bull....I just am not sure yet whether I feel single. Yes, I am living as the solo parent in my household and yes, I see that as my future but am not quite ready to hear from long lost high school friends who want to send me a frowny face and a solemn "I'm here for you" message when we haven't actually spoken in person since high school soooo.......That's it, for now The Other is finding himself and me and the kids are well, we're getting up in the morning and going to middle school and daycare and then coming home and eating dinner. I'm saying things like "two more bites of peas or no cookie", I'm hardcore. If its a hockey night we're eating dinner in 22 minutes (sidenote, once again, attention nation: where is the award show dedicated to those of us with this talent?? Will someone please commend me for fixing up a healthy balanced meal and getting 3 kids to eat it within 22 minutes! Eh, I'll pat myself on the back, all of you who do the same go ahead give yourself a pat you deserve it too) I then after those 22 minutes, attempt to wash some dishes while wiping off the baby while putting on the 3yr olds shoes while yelling at the 11 year old who despite telling me he's ready cannot find his water bottle. We then all get in the car and I find myself letting a brief sigh of relief escape. Mission almost accomplished. So uh yea, not much has changed except a lot. I was a single mom of one 5 years ago, then a single mom with an Other if you get my drift, now a single mom with 3. Oh my, an ocean is calling my name.

Crawling under the covers

So its been a hell of a week, year, century. I am preparing my brain for the future and my crystal ball is fuzzy. My magic 8ball is even unclear...on each side of the di I'm reading "I dunno". A friend of mine today told me she's been secretly flicking off her coworker every time she walks by this coworker's cube. Its a silent F.U. which makes me laugh, I care not how immature that sounds! I love it, just picturing her sneaking by the cube, her sweater almost catching on the faux carpet lined wall and snickering to herself, feeling so much better after having jammed two middle fingers in the air...kinda. Well that seems to be the sentiment I'm hearing lately. Everything from, "I'm seeing shadows" to "my back's been killing me"...I've got a long list of things to lament about but since I have tomorrow off of work...I think instead, I'll wake up late (that's 6am versus 5:30am) drink some delicious fresh ground coffee and dig into Anywhere But Here (a phenomenal book by Mona Simpson that I'm rereading) and then languish for a while in my robe. Wake the little ones up to take the big one to school, then somehow coordinate taking a shower while keeping tabs on the 3 and 1yr old (this is where my imagined military training comes in...special ops time man!) drop them off at daycare and take my mother to lunch for her birthday. We're going downtown! Whooo we've hit the big time ya'll! And after it all when it gets quiet, after all kids are in bed, I'm going to crawl under the covers and do what we women sometimes do, have a good hard cry. I'll probably drink a bottle of wine in there, but not under the covers...

It's Been a Long Time Since I Rocked and Rolled...but I did.

Well well well, it has been a while since I've last written. Perhaps I'm building the anticipation, waiting for just the right moment to spring some newfound wisdom on ya'll...like a smack to the face, BAM! You're a changed person now. Okay, that sounds a bit introspective, something of my own expectations about day to day life. No, I don't want to be smacked in the face, I hear it makes your eyes water and also produces a very red cheek. Can you imagine someone slapping you in the face? I am doing it again. Imagining what I'm gonna do when someone does that to me, oh I'm gonna hawl off and smack that person back and then I'm gonna put my hand on my hip and then I'm gonna....wait wait wait, no one has smacked me! I do that, let myself exaggerate myself into actions that I probably would never do. If slapped I would probably stand there and then cry and in my head reenact what I should have done. By that time the slapper would be long gone, and me, the slappee, would be standing there red faced with only a story. Okay onto reality and off of my musings...I've been lost in the land of sickness and children and lack of sleep. Yes, I went to Chicago and then I was back like I never left. It was 60 hours of lusted after freedom that afforded me the grandeur of walking in Wicker Park, taking a picture with my leg up (kind of like the Captain Morgan commercials) on a fountain, and buying something ridiculously expensive at a boutique called Una Mae's (a delightful little place I must say). I've worn the item I purchased nearly every day. A black shawl/jacket sorta deal that falls just so around the hips and derrier. It can look tres chic with jeans or smooth and suave with black pants. I imagine at some point, when I'm feeling skinny, I'll slick my hair back Sade style and put on J-lo hoops. Perhaps I'll attend a play in it (ha, when invited to a play I usually come up with some sort of "oooo already have plans" excuse..but sadly I feel like since I'm artsy I should like plays, I don't, there its out there). The brand is called Gentle Fawn, so thanks to Gentle Fawn for creating one of the most versatile, comfortable, gorgeous items of clothing I've ever owned. It has no buttons and sleeves that get real tight at the wrist. Can you tell I love it? Love it like my own children. Ha ha, just joshin'. But being the fashion gal that I am, I really do keep looking at it to make sure my children don't rub goo all over it.

Chicago was amazing, good eats, too much cocktailin' (Saturday ended 7am Sunday) and Belgian beers. Dear makers of Bell's, you make a dang good beer, will you marry me? Matilde is the new one, 3 beers in one! Oh yes, why didn't I think of this? However, I'd take a reduction in calories because after drinking Belgians all summer I've noticed the "baby weight" (okay she's 15mos...not so much a newborn, but I'm not particular here) is stickin' around. I'm having to suck in when I button pants and every shirt I owned pre-child comes to my belly button. Love that look, I can see the headlines from my runway show now "Mom of three brings back the much awaited half shirt"...smattering of applause and I look in the audience and see my mom. Fade to black.......

Random thoughts:

1) 3yr old has picked up "FINE" as his favorite word as in, "FINE MOM, I'll take bath!" this is then followed by heavy stomping, he's 3, really? Really really?

2) Baby girl has been sick for days, I think she cried for 72hrs straight. At one point she was rolling back and forth while a steady "unnnnhhhh unnnnnh" cry escaped her wide open mouth.

3) I AM your superwoman (this is to the Other). I can make meat loaf, homemade gravy, mashed potatoes, and a veggie for dinner WHILE HOLDING A BABY on my hip. Oh yea baby, bring on the dads who can do that. I'm gonna have a THROWDOWN BOBBY FLAY STYLE! The challenge is on the table.

4) I can't not sleep for 24hrs and not expect to pay for it for at least a week. Yes, I'm STILL trying to catch up. (okay 10 hours straight of alcohol in there may play a small part in this)

5) I'm reading Geek Love, thank you "C" for gettin' that to me. I feel incredibly unbred that this book has been around since 1989 and I'm just now Googling the author to get all credible tidbits of info into her brain. I mean seriously a book about a family of circus freaks? A boy with fins, a set of Siamese twins who play the piano, an albino dwarf with a hunchback and a telekinetic kid? It might be single handedly the oddest book I've ever read, which makes it intriguing which means it's a book I read until my eyes can't focus anymore and I realize I once again am going to get less sleep than I intended. But dang, Geek Love, you make my brain twirl.

6) Last, the Other, I must share a positive, the kids were clean, happy, and fed upon my return. The house was a little tornadoed but that was to be expected. All in all, like I told him, this just means I can go when I need to. What a feeeeeeelllliiiiiinnn!

Blenders and shoes

So I spent the last week taking my son in for an accident with a blender, excuse me, a smoothie maker (side note people keep asking me if it's like the magic bullet, I say "no" only because I thought the magic bullet was some sort of sex toy!). He's attempting to make a smoothie, leaves the blade on the console of the machine, his elbow slips and the rest is all screaming, blood dripping down arm, rush to E.R. (well as "rush" as you can with a sick baby and a 3yr old). E.R. doc was awesome in the frat boy sense. He was 6'4", kinda good looking in the I still play basketball and down some brews with my buds Dad kinda way and very talkative and personable. I have to admit he was much more attractive after seeing us merely 15 minutes after our arrival. Has anyone ever gotten in and out of an ER in less than four hours? I went in while pregnant with my 1yr old diva because I could not keep any food down. I think I sat with a garbage between my legs for 3hrs in the waiting room. Then once moved into the actual E.R. I waited for another 45 minutes for someone to come in, it was the registration people not even the nurse. Once finally poked and prodded the doc orders me up a Zofran and sends me home. Total visit 5.5hrs, total time spent with actual hospital staff approximate 18 minutes, total cost after insurance, $370 big ones. Anyway I digress.

I'm reading Candy Girl by Diablo Cody (yes, I'm way late and uncool). My ridiculously supportive quasi mother in law (the Other and I are thankfully not betrothed) gave it to me in an unmarked envelope and told me not to tell anyone that she was the one who gave it to me. Love her so much. She cracks me up. Now that I'm into the book I get why. This is definitely not something the ladies at book club would discuss. Hey anyone, ever been to Sex World? How about Dreamgirls? What did you think about Diablo Cody letting a girl suck on her......well you get the picture. I dare someone to come up with some literary questions for me to contemplate this Candy Girl....

Other than the my son's battle with the smoothie maker, I spent a good 20 hours trying to find shoes for my daughter. Not shoes with sparkles, bows, and slick black bottoms that are one step away from "I'm waitin' on my check from my baby daddy". Shoes for a one year old that don't slip when she walks and actually bend as in, baby walking here! Tell me why a 1yr old would need platform sandals? Anyone?

Kids and a empty gas tank

So the Other returned the car to me past E last night. 10pm. I think to myself, what a gentleman. Every mother who gets up and has the lovely task of getting the kids ready to leave the house knows that throwing in a need to get gas can throw off the entire militaryesque schedule. Now, I must drink my coffee faster, read two less pages of my book, try on one less shirt with my customary black pants, have the baby's outfit in my head before I go in to wake her up, leave at 7:04 vs 7:09. All of this really chaps my hide!

Random thoughts:

A friend of mine left for Argentina on a solo mission. I can't even fathom what that would feel like stepping into another country alone.

New trend of going grey on purpose, not so much. I'll continue to pluck the one straggler I've got thank you very much. However, a strange side of me can't wait to get a few greys and see if I look as regal as I think I am. Perhaps I'll get reading glasses too! Okay this is sounding a bit like when I was 8 and really wanted braces, so I would take the wrapper from my piece of juicy fruit and fit it just so around my upper choppers. God I was gorgeous!

Reading a delicious tale called Here on Earth by Alice Hoffman, thought it would be fluffy after reading the jacket, something about woman returns to hometown to find old love blah blah. The jacket really didn't do it justice. I can't stop thinking about it. I am right in the story with the main character March, consumed by a man, forgetting my domestic duties, wishing the children would go to bed by 8 not 8:15! My work pal tells me it disturbed her. Can't wait.

Wait wait wait, you want HOT coffee?

Is a weekend at the cabin more or less stressful? Do tell. Spent a few nights on Lake Mille Lacs with family, BFF, and her lovely daughter. To summarize the Other spent around a total of 8 hours working on the tractor and the boat. A good 3 of those 8hrs were filled with expletives I'm sure. He then spent another 5-6 hrs mowing the yard, nothing like quality family time. This meant it was us ladies manning the fort i.e. toting the noodles, towels, shovels, pails, various plastic toys, and the children to the lake for swim time. It was us same women cooking, cleaning, and yelling "put your underwear back on", "don't eat that dirt", "stop hitting"....All in all a great trip. We even got the chance to explore Brainerd. Having never been to Brainerd it was quite the adventure finding the Walmart (I kinda expected to drive into town and there'd be a few houses and the Walmart). Well after seeing the fairgrounds and the Pepsi factory we finally made it to Walmart. It took about 45 minutes to locate 3 items. NOTHING seems to be where it should be and the workers apparently aren't trained as to the location of items or even general areas such as "home goods". When we asked one blue vested worker she stared off into space. After 30 seconds of watching her work out our question her reply started with "I'm pretty sure its....".

So then comes McDonald's. Nothing like a great fast food experience. Already I was a little annoyed. I wanted strong coffee, coffee that makes you feel like you've been slapped in the face. So having to settle for McD's was one thing and then this happens:

ME to 21yr old store manager who has a look on her face that is very anti-customer service: hey do you have those lattes?
Bitchy store manager: NO!
ME: hmmm okay (notice poster for iced coffee asking me to add a shot of flavor syrup)...I'll have a large coffee with a shot of hazelnut and the same with sugar free vanilla for her
Bitchy store manager: (confused look) so a large coffee ....with hazelnut?
ME: yeeees (not sure why she's so confused there's a massive friggin poster practically begging me to add a flavor shot)
ME: we want it hot though, right BFF? (BFF confirms she too wants hers hot)
Bitchy store manager: (even more confused) so you want the coffee hot?
ME: (really wondering why she's so confused, has no one ordered HOT coffee before?) right, we both want it hot.
16 yr old boy working coffee station: what? They want it hot? do they still want the cream? he doesn't say this directly to us despite us being less than one foot away, he says it to this manager girl who then turns to us and I cut her off and say "still want the cream". Now I'm pretty f-ing annoyed, what's the deal here? Hot coffee, shot of syrup, NOT asking for an AIDS cure here, what the? Then I notice he's making the coffees in the large cups made for ICED coffee. So these cups will probably MELT if you put hot coffee in there.
ME to bitchy store manager (who is now just staring at us with a look of disdain on her face): Ummm don't you have cups for hot coffee?
Bitchy store manager: yeah
ME: well can you use those? I'm pretty sure those cups will burn us.
Bitchy store manager: so you want the styrofoam cups?

I look at BFF as if to affirm I'm still in reality and haven't landed on Punked or that old show Boiling Point, because as of now, I'm at the Boiling Point and I'm about to turn into my old school self.

ME: yes. The cups you have for HOT COFFEE.

Bitchy store manager walks over to 16yr old boy and looks over her shoulder at us before saying in a loud whisper "I guess they want it in the styrofoam cups". I guess? Really? Uh no, I'd rather burn the sh*t out of myself while handling a minivan filled with children, that's better. Forget the styrofoam I'm living on the edge man!

BFF looks at me and says: We gotta get outta here

My sentiments exactly.