Musings and other Frivolities

Well 2010 is coming to a close. Unlike other years where I've been known to say toast a rastafari w/ an espresso martini while looking over the Gulf of Mexico, or count down to midnight in front of the MGM Grand with 30,000 of my closest friends, this year I'll be spending it with the Other and 7 children ranging in ages from 11 to 18mos. I'll be toasting a miniature root beer and probably playing Wii at midnight because I've rediscovered why Super Mario Bros. is the most awesome video game in the world dude! (sorry about that little reversion to my adolescence). However, there's a tie in here folks (when I say folks I mean the 4 loyal followers I have, to whom I send my deepest gratitude). This brings me to a quick recap of Christmas, otherwise known as Excessmas. We got a Wii from my parents, SO MUCH FUN. Can't wait to go home...may end post now...okay, not gonna, have more to say...I didn't go to church, the 2nd Christmas in 4 years and boy do I feel some good ol' guilt from that. I mean last year I went with the parents, carrying my 6mos old daughter who peacefully closed her eyes and was lulled by Silent Night being played on a harp by a woman who looked like Joni Mitchell (are you catching the mood here) anyway didn't go so that's that. Aside from my lack of piety, I did have one of THE best days with my family. The kids in their jammies eating marshmallow candies at 8am, the Other wrapped up a dishwasher, seriously. Woke up and there in there in the middle of the living room were presents stacked to the ceiling, the bottom the dishwasher, at the very top, a tiny box filled with an Ipod Nano for the oldest, in Orange, only available in one store in Minnesota. It was a magical day. The family was hilarious as usual. We did the whole white elephant thing, however one person who will remain nameless did not bring a gift but still wanted to play, my sister was not having that one bit! This provided great entertainment. The food, mmmm, the food...who cooked? Yea, me. Beef Tenderloin baby. The recipe, thank you to the website PioneerWomanCooks.com, she is the rockin'est chef out there for me right now. Loooove her, check her site out!! The babe got a kitchen set its actually turned into a gift for me, I'm in the kitchen, she's in the kitchen, wait a second...I should've gotten her a book on how to become a CEO or something, dang it! Will rethink gift for next year!

Let's switch speeds here shall we and get back to musings and frivolous things and here goes my 2010 countdown:

1) Best Band of 2010: The Black Keys (was there a doubt??? C'mon! They are ridiculous and I can't say that enough)

2) I learned that even if I had a third hand it wouldn't be enough. A fourth? Yes, a fourth might just do it.

3) I learned that I too have faults and can point them out to myself, attempt to change them and keep moving on

4) 2011 resolution: 7hrs of sleep a night, egg me on I dare ya!

5) Gas is expensive, 4X4's are awesome, combined gas and 4X4 vehicle means, my car costs half my mortgage

6) Leggings do not work on 90% of women.

7) Yoga pants work on 90% of women

8) I love being a mom waaaay more than I ever could have imagined and I also cherish alone time waaaaay more than I ever imagined.

9) I've accepted I get to see only movies put on Red Box

10) Buy used. I got the $250 kitchen set for my lil' girl for $12.00 + tax. TWELVE DOLLARS people!

Okay, I'm boring myself here and its raining ice and I need to go spend my Macy's gift card sooooooooooo that's that.

Oh wait 2011 resolution #2, be more interesting and get one new follower! I'm on it.

48hrs of me time? WHAAAA?

Success! My left ovary is gone, no I didn't bring it home in a jar to look at because that would be, well...let's just say it, gross. Operation went grrrreat. Most importantly just as I expected all the ladies asked me about my nails, because I'd painted them for once! The Other asked me if I was painting my nails for the surgeons and I responded with "nope, just want nice toes if I die on the operating table" He didn't think that was funny, but a big large laugh from the Other is quite rare as it is. Anyway funny thing happened (not funny in the ha-ha way either) Apparently the Other confirmed with the doctor I can still get pregnant. He's been home what, a coupla weeks, and he's concerned about more kids????? Aaaaack! We almost (I stress the ALMOST here) had a talk about that. He, in his dillusional state (i.e. normal state) thinks 5 is a good number. Not that I need to remind my audience here of all the reasons why MORE children is NOT the best idea, but here is what went through my head 1) I'm so f'n' sure 2) I'm already behind around $100k on funding college education for the ones we do have 3) I'm so f'n' sure.

When he starts pontificating about how great the kids are I have only one billion completely logical counters to his "but I want 'em" argument and one of them is I'M TIRED but we can move forward from that. For once, I decide that saying nothing is the best route because as noted by many, yes, I am the verbal champion in pretty much every debate between the Other and I. I know this because I come from a sane place and the Other shushes me when two hockey players are about to fight as if biiiig things are happening. Really though, in my arsenal are about 50 reasons why having no more children makes sense but there's plenty of time for me to share those and then wasn't the time (Wait, pause, have I changed? Has my ego deflated a bit? I better get back to watching Long Kiss Goodnight, hot damn that Geena Davis kicks butt!) Anyway I know, I'll just save up all my massively good points until it comes to cutthroat time, which I estimate will be when the wee lil' gal turns 2.5yrs. Okay so I put that off, onto the next....

Took the kids to Applebees last night to kill time while the biggest kid was at hockey practice. Who knows why the heck I thought taking a 3 and 1yr old out to dinner would be EASIER than cooking something quickly at home! First, the 1yr old has decided like our human predecessors and folks from around the world that the spoon just inhibits her ability to shove food into her mouth (I can't say I disagree, it just ain't that becoming). I can tell she thinks it really is just an annoying apparatus that her mother forces her to use, bah! I see her thought process as it happens, first she looks at the mashed potatoes, then the spoon...and then, with her whole hand she grabs a handful of the mashed potatoes and manages to fit her entire hand into her mouth. Once that's accomplished, she casually runs her hands through her hair...ooooooh yes, mashed potatoes in hair anyone have a baby wipe that will work on this one??? Next, we're about 2 bites in when the 3yr old stands up on his booster seat and pronounces loudly "I GOTTA GO POOP RIGHT NOW!" and then proceeds to take his boots off and head for the bathroom (he does know where it is because we've ALREADY VISITED IN THERE FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES IMMEDIATELY AFTER ARRIVING!) I look around apologetically with a bit of a sly smile. Hell, I'm at Applebee's, this ain't Bar LaGrasa folks. Sooo we spend about 25 minutes in the bathroom while our food sits. So in an hour and ten minute Applebee's visit I spent nearly 40 minutes of it in the bathroom. Although reasonably priced for American run o' the mill fare, a $30 bill for an extensive bathroom break does not financially make sense no matter which way ya play it!

Sooooo here's my recent updates:

1) As previously mentioned watched Last Kiss Goodnight oldie but goodie, my sister's favorite movie. She's right, its like Bourne Identity but with a cool hot chick, totally dig it and want to rewatch. Another movie, Dryland with a guy I've never seen. It's about an Iraq vet who returns from the war with a bit of PTSD (is there such a thing as a "bit" of that? probably not) liked this one lots. America Ferrara is actually really good in it and Wilmer Valderrama looks hot with a marine haircut.

2) Had an Amazon gift cert for answering surveys holllaaaa! Bought Black Keys cd Magic Potion. My gosh, has any band since Zeppelin put out only brilliance? I want to marry both of the Black Keys members just to keep them makin' music in my basement. They rock so hard man! Blues, soul, or as my dad would say "those white dudes is cool" ...sooo good. Buy any Black Keys cd's you can but only under these circumstances: you like smokin' electric guitar riffs, your soul craves good ol' blues music, you're super awesome.

3) Heard UGGs are now bad for the feet, apparently the sheepskin can cause foot fungus so not only should you drop $150-$250 on the boots but buy some insoles too. Ummm yeeeea, I'm going to say what really makes sense, they're winter boots NOT shoes for marathon running. If you've got that bad of a foot sweat thing going, insoles and socks will not help. I mean I'm no podiatrist or anything but who goes long distance walking/running in UGGS???

Well that's all I've got, over for now!

Christmas shopping, Boots, and going to the Woman Doc

Well it hasn't quite been a month but what a heck of a couple-a weeks here! Recap of November for all you inquiring minds who've been missing a KB update. I'm big into numbering items because the libra in me likes to see the decisions I need to make in some numerical order. This doesn't actually help me decide it just makes my brain feel more organized. So here goes alllllll the decisions that are still looming in front of my foggy brain:

1) 11yr old wants an Ipod Nano because "its so awesome mom, look at that touch screen". Dilemma: he already has a blasted Ipod. Has consumerism and the spirit of giving gripped me so hard that I am actually going to spend $150 on a an item that does pretty much the same thing as the $150 thing he got less than 2 years ago just to see his face explode into little beams of lightness??? Probably. Still thinking it out though. I'm also avidly checking Ebay, Amazon, Apple, Google for any sign of a cheaper friggin deal cuz dang. $150 bucks is ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY BUCKS! To me that translates into any of the following: a week of groceries, fifteen sweaters at Marshall's (gee I love Marshall's, TJMaxx, and any other store where I can buy a soy based jasmine scented candle, a large Wolfgang puck fry pan with cover, and Puma socks for the kids), or forbid, a little savings money...audible gasp! Anyone know where to get a $20 Ipod Nano that isn't stolen? Lemme know.

2) Went to the woman doc, his words "we gotta get that damn ovary out"...and then he said "forgive me for cussin'". Me, forgive someone for cussin'? He must have read his audience. So I'm going under the knife. I'm a bit nervous after hearing all these stories of people going in for "routine" (routine? really, how many people out there think any surgery is routine?) surgery and ending up on their death bed. Heck, one of my pals we'll call him DG said his friend went in to have a small piece of his tongue cut out and boom bam! DEAD two days later. Aaaaah run for the hills...this makes me think, eh, what's a cyst that's bigger than my ovary, who cares? I'll just deal with it forevaaaaaaa...but alas, modern medicine wins and I want to be pain free so there ya have it. I'm going in same day and comin' out. I am right now giving my right ovary a pep talk and preparing it for battle it sounds something like "you may be going in a team but you're comin' out alone, be strong and stay calm".

3) I want some knee boots. I'm only 5"4'...sure my license says 5"5'...and my weight is 120 with a wet sweater on...hahahahahahhahahahaha I'm dying laughing here. Anyway back to the knee boots...I want some big time baby...I've got skirts just dying to be paired with a great pair of knee boots! Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I have what appears to be abnormally large calfs. I blame it on those sturdy Finnish women of my past and 12 years of soccer. I'm resigned to stretchy knee boots made of plastic which all my pals know does not fly with me. I don't do plastic. Last time I wore plastic shoes I also carried a Cabbage Patch named Diana after Diana Ross. I once had a pair of Cole Haan knee boots (this was of course prior to having 3 children because those boots could support the family for a month). Black. All leather, pull up, no zip knee boots. I loved those boots like a sibling. However, the left one had a faulty heel (had I paid full price I'd a been a lot more po'd, but I didn't.). Anyway I had the left boot in my trunk and it was in my forward looking business plan to get that heel replaced. Well my car was stolen, in it the f-ing boot! What was my first question to the insurance agent after they found the car? Well, first, I asked about my 100 cd's, one, a bootleg of Led Zeppelin! But second, second was "Didja find the boot?"

4) Last but not least I'm ignoring discussing the Other for fear of retribution from all my supportive women friends who think the Other is a piece of you know what and does not belong home.

5) Oh wait that wasn't last! I submitted to Pei Wei to blog in Asia for 3 weeks and eat delicious cuisine and take pictures and be enigmatic. Oh can you imagine....a mixed gal in Asia? Would I be the first?

6) Oh wait wait, one more, I'm reading Pope Joan (thanks to the Other's mom who has really really good taste in books, have I mentioned how cool she is? She's sewing Christmas pillow covers for me! Oh I've become so Good Housekeeping. What's next a short haircut?) Anyway Pope Joan. Looooove it. Intriguing, wonderfully written book. She's brave, she's smart, she's benevolent. No, women could not (I'm not sure about now, but pretty sure the rule is still the same) become Popes during midieval times...so you can guess how "she" becomes a Pope. Can't think of the author...I'll try for next time.

7) Okay this really is the last one. I've moved from Belgians to Nutbrown Ales. Why oh why do I like beer so much? Surprisingly enough Leinie's is doing a nice job with that Fireside they've come up with. Its much less than the $10 a sixer Frambozen from New Belgium, $10, a sixer? What is this New York?

So Here I Go Again On My Own......

Oh Whitesnake, you're preachin to the choir! I am goin' down the only road I've ever known...except I'm not.

Couples counseling? Return of the Other? Contemplation of family life is on the brain. It's been about a month without the Other and we're survivin'. He wants to go to counseling...hmmmm...I heard a statistic, which, yes I know, is just a statistic, it said something like 80% of married couples who go to counseling ultimately get divorced. Reason being; in counseling you rehash everything wrong with your marriage versus looking to the future and working on that...Me, I'm big on rehashing, analyzing, picking apart every little thing said, every gesture, every shrugged shoulder, every roll of eye...what's the problem here? I need to know what every insignificant tidbit means in order to get to the bottom of the issue que no? Hmmm so everyone (my mother, father, friends) suggests counseling...and maybe we do need counseling. There are definitely some major things the Other needs some help with, anger, depression, lack of ambition. Really though, how many fellas do you know who are out there searching for their inner self who don't wear a daishiki and aren't practicing tantric sex or something? (Sidenote: has anyone watched HBO's Real Sex? Why are they all filmed prior to 1994? And does every male sex therapist have to wear a turtle neck and a mood ring?) So the Other's got issues that need some work, but the big truth of it all...so do I. WHAAAA???? It's true. I can be a bit bossy...or so I've been told. I figured out that I have a huge ego and think I'm pretty perfect, yup I do. I also figured out that I've taken the Mama Bear thing a bit far...I've bitten and scratched and gnashed my teeth over everything in order to maintain control and in the meantime forgotten there's no "I" in team...oh wow, was that cheesy or what? Well I guess its true. Now the question, do I want to be a team player? I truly don't know. I've always wondered about this whole "need a man" thing. Do I need a man? Its actually been pretty damn great having the pad to myself. I put the kids to bed, I have a cocktail, paint my toes, and watch movies. I mean, yes, I do miss companionship (on Saturdays, not so much the rest of the week) okay enough joking, yes, I miss the guy. I miss the way he picks up the 1yr old and she puts her nose to his and they smile and giggle at each other. I miss the way he takes the boys in the basement for hours to hit foam hockey pucks while I actually accomplish something like cleaning the bathroom.....

So the Other and I are talking, trying to figure out our mojo and what we're gonna do with ourselves. Do we go to counseling? Do we get a joint checking account? Do I give up some control? Do I write up a list of chores for the household and truly run the house like a business? Eeeeewww, but maybe necessary. So that's what's whirling around in this brain o' mine...also some other mega important stuff like:

1) Watched Point Break last night. First, watched the last hour of the movie, then because they played it again, the first hour. RIP Patrick Swayze, you rocked some frosted tips and pleated pants like no other. Also, cannot look at Keanu Reeves without picturing Andy Samburg parodying him and his deadpan face(is parodying a word??). Hi-larious as my gal pal would say. Best line from Swayze's character to Jonnie Utah"You're a radical Son of a Bit*h"

2) Next year I'm donating the Halloween candy 24hrs immediately following the big day. Even the 1yr old is coming home screaming "canny canny canny"

3) I watched Sex In the City 2 (seeeee I get to watch these movies again! separation ain't all bad!), okay wow, over the top. I'm so sure, Dior T-shirts and Laboutin shoes to go to a market or whateva? A quick trip to Dubais to stay in a $22k/night hotel? Riiiight. I'm excited for Breezy Point sans little tikes in December! I will admit to at least 3 costume changes on the weekends though. I have a morning cooking breakfast look, a cleaning and I'm a bit warm now look, a post shower now running errands look and finally a, let me put on my drinkin' pants look...ha, laughing to myself.

4) Last, side ponytails do not belong on anyone who can legally vote. Really. I saw a woman around the age of we'll say 65 to give her the benefit of the doubt. Her makeup was done by the artists from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She had on a red nylon jacket with gold buttons (of course), red high top Reeboks (fo real! Flo Rida is on that!), and a side pony with an oversized RED scrunchie! Yes, I said it, S C R U N C H I E. OH MY G.

Zeppelin said it best "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You"

A friend of mine sent me a text, "when are you going to change your relationship status to single?"...I responded with something about not wanting to answer questions and people being in my "business"...Then I really thought about it and asked myself why I'm so hesitant to declare my status to the world. Those of you who know me know that I am really about the least private person in the world. I mean I spent last Wednesday sobbing at my desk and dabbing at my eyes amidst texting and calling anyone who would listen to me cry silently into the phone. I have a blog, I have a Facebook, I have a Myspace, I have 2 emails, I have a cell phone of which I answer even when faced with stop and go traffic. Soooo to claim privacy is really bull....I just am not sure yet whether I feel single. Yes, I am living as the solo parent in my household and yes, I see that as my future but am not quite ready to hear from long lost high school friends who want to send me a frowny face and a solemn "I'm here for you" message when we haven't actually spoken in person since high school soooo.......That's it, for now The Other is finding himself and me and the kids are well, we're getting up in the morning and going to middle school and daycare and then coming home and eating dinner. I'm saying things like "two more bites of peas or no cookie", I'm hardcore. If its a hockey night we're eating dinner in 22 minutes (sidenote, once again, attention nation: where is the award show dedicated to those of us with this talent?? Will someone please commend me for fixing up a healthy balanced meal and getting 3 kids to eat it within 22 minutes! Eh, I'll pat myself on the back, all of you who do the same go ahead give yourself a pat you deserve it too) I then after those 22 minutes, attempt to wash some dishes while wiping off the baby while putting on the 3yr olds shoes while yelling at the 11 year old who despite telling me he's ready cannot find his water bottle. We then all get in the car and I find myself letting a brief sigh of relief escape. Mission almost accomplished. So uh yea, not much has changed except a lot. I was a single mom of one 5 years ago, then a single mom with an Other if you get my drift, now a single mom with 3. Oh my, an ocean is calling my name.

Crawling under the covers

So its been a hell of a week, year, century. I am preparing my brain for the future and my crystal ball is fuzzy. My magic 8ball is even unclear...on each side of the di I'm reading "I dunno". A friend of mine today told me she's been secretly flicking off her coworker every time she walks by this coworker's cube. Its a silent F.U. which makes me laugh, I care not how immature that sounds! I love it, just picturing her sneaking by the cube, her sweater almost catching on the faux carpet lined wall and snickering to herself, feeling so much better after having jammed two middle fingers in the air...kinda. Well that seems to be the sentiment I'm hearing lately. Everything from, "I'm seeing shadows" to "my back's been killing me"...I've got a long list of things to lament about but since I have tomorrow off of work...I think instead, I'll wake up late (that's 6am versus 5:30am) drink some delicious fresh ground coffee and dig into Anywhere But Here (a phenomenal book by Mona Simpson that I'm rereading) and then languish for a while in my robe. Wake the little ones up to take the big one to school, then somehow coordinate taking a shower while keeping tabs on the 3 and 1yr old (this is where my imagined military training comes in...special ops time man!) drop them off at daycare and take my mother to lunch for her birthday. We're going downtown! Whooo we've hit the big time ya'll! And after it all when it gets quiet, after all kids are in bed, I'm going to crawl under the covers and do what we women sometimes do, have a good hard cry. I'll probably drink a bottle of wine in there, but not under the covers...

It's Been a Long Time Since I Rocked and Rolled...but I did.

Well well well, it has been a while since I've last written. Perhaps I'm building the anticipation, waiting for just the right moment to spring some newfound wisdom on ya'll...like a smack to the face, BAM! You're a changed person now. Okay, that sounds a bit introspective, something of my own expectations about day to day life. No, I don't want to be smacked in the face, I hear it makes your eyes water and also produces a very red cheek. Can you imagine someone slapping you in the face? I am doing it again. Imagining what I'm gonna do when someone does that to me, oh I'm gonna hawl off and smack that person back and then I'm gonna put my hand on my hip and then I'm gonna....wait wait wait, no one has smacked me! I do that, let myself exaggerate myself into actions that I probably would never do. If slapped I would probably stand there and then cry and in my head reenact what I should have done. By that time the slapper would be long gone, and me, the slappee, would be standing there red faced with only a story. Okay onto reality and off of my musings...I've been lost in the land of sickness and children and lack of sleep. Yes, I went to Chicago and then I was back like I never left. It was 60 hours of lusted after freedom that afforded me the grandeur of walking in Wicker Park, taking a picture with my leg up (kind of like the Captain Morgan commercials) on a fountain, and buying something ridiculously expensive at a boutique called Una Mae's (a delightful little place I must say). I've worn the item I purchased nearly every day. A black shawl/jacket sorta deal that falls just so around the hips and derrier. It can look tres chic with jeans or smooth and suave with black pants. I imagine at some point, when I'm feeling skinny, I'll slick my hair back Sade style and put on J-lo hoops. Perhaps I'll attend a play in it (ha, when invited to a play I usually come up with some sort of "oooo already have plans" excuse..but sadly I feel like since I'm artsy I should like plays, I don't, there its out there). The brand is called Gentle Fawn, so thanks to Gentle Fawn for creating one of the most versatile, comfortable, gorgeous items of clothing I've ever owned. It has no buttons and sleeves that get real tight at the wrist. Can you tell I love it? Love it like my own children. Ha ha, just joshin'. But being the fashion gal that I am, I really do keep looking at it to make sure my children don't rub goo all over it.

Chicago was amazing, good eats, too much cocktailin' (Saturday ended 7am Sunday) and Belgian beers. Dear makers of Bell's, you make a dang good beer, will you marry me? Matilde is the new one, 3 beers in one! Oh yes, why didn't I think of this? However, I'd take a reduction in calories because after drinking Belgians all summer I've noticed the "baby weight" (okay she's 15mos...not so much a newborn, but I'm not particular here) is stickin' around. I'm having to suck in when I button pants and every shirt I owned pre-child comes to my belly button. Love that look, I can see the headlines from my runway show now "Mom of three brings back the much awaited half shirt"...smattering of applause and I look in the audience and see my mom. Fade to black.......

Random thoughts:

1) 3yr old has picked up "FINE" as his favorite word as in, "FINE MOM, I'll take bath!" this is then followed by heavy stomping, he's 3, really? Really really?

2) Baby girl has been sick for days, I think she cried for 72hrs straight. At one point she was rolling back and forth while a steady "unnnnhhhh unnnnnh" cry escaped her wide open mouth.

3) I AM your superwoman (this is to the Other). I can make meat loaf, homemade gravy, mashed potatoes, and a veggie for dinner WHILE HOLDING A BABY on my hip. Oh yea baby, bring on the dads who can do that. I'm gonna have a THROWDOWN BOBBY FLAY STYLE! The challenge is on the table.

4) I can't not sleep for 24hrs and not expect to pay for it for at least a week. Yes, I'm STILL trying to catch up. (okay 10 hours straight of alcohol in there may play a small part in this)

5) I'm reading Geek Love, thank you "C" for gettin' that to me. I feel incredibly unbred that this book has been around since 1989 and I'm just now Googling the author to get all credible tidbits of info into her brain. I mean seriously a book about a family of circus freaks? A boy with fins, a set of Siamese twins who play the piano, an albino dwarf with a hunchback and a telekinetic kid? It might be single handedly the oddest book I've ever read, which makes it intriguing which means it's a book I read until my eyes can't focus anymore and I realize I once again am going to get less sleep than I intended. But dang, Geek Love, you make my brain twirl.

6) Last, the Other, I must share a positive, the kids were clean, happy, and fed upon my return. The house was a little tornadoed but that was to be expected. All in all, like I told him, this just means I can go when I need to. What a feeeeeeelllliiiiiinnn!

Blenders and shoes

So I spent the last week taking my son in for an accident with a blender, excuse me, a smoothie maker (side note people keep asking me if it's like the magic bullet, I say "no" only because I thought the magic bullet was some sort of sex toy!). He's attempting to make a smoothie, leaves the blade on the console of the machine, his elbow slips and the rest is all screaming, blood dripping down arm, rush to E.R. (well as "rush" as you can with a sick baby and a 3yr old). E.R. doc was awesome in the frat boy sense. He was 6'4", kinda good looking in the I still play basketball and down some brews with my buds Dad kinda way and very talkative and personable. I have to admit he was much more attractive after seeing us merely 15 minutes after our arrival. Has anyone ever gotten in and out of an ER in less than four hours? I went in while pregnant with my 1yr old diva because I could not keep any food down. I think I sat with a garbage between my legs for 3hrs in the waiting room. Then once moved into the actual E.R. I waited for another 45 minutes for someone to come in, it was the registration people not even the nurse. Once finally poked and prodded the doc orders me up a Zofran and sends me home. Total visit 5.5hrs, total time spent with actual hospital staff approximate 18 minutes, total cost after insurance, $370 big ones. Anyway I digress.

I'm reading Candy Girl by Diablo Cody (yes, I'm way late and uncool). My ridiculously supportive quasi mother in law (the Other and I are thankfully not betrothed) gave it to me in an unmarked envelope and told me not to tell anyone that she was the one who gave it to me. Love her so much. She cracks me up. Now that I'm into the book I get why. This is definitely not something the ladies at book club would discuss. Hey anyone, ever been to Sex World? How about Dreamgirls? What did you think about Diablo Cody letting a girl suck on her......well you get the picture. I dare someone to come up with some literary questions for me to contemplate this Candy Girl....

Other than the my son's battle with the smoothie maker, I spent a good 20 hours trying to find shoes for my daughter. Not shoes with sparkles, bows, and slick black bottoms that are one step away from "I'm waitin' on my check from my baby daddy". Shoes for a one year old that don't slip when she walks and actually bend as in, baby walking here! Tell me why a 1yr old would need platform sandals? Anyone?

Kids and a empty gas tank

So the Other returned the car to me past E last night. 10pm. I think to myself, what a gentleman. Every mother who gets up and has the lovely task of getting the kids ready to leave the house knows that throwing in a need to get gas can throw off the entire militaryesque schedule. Now, I must drink my coffee faster, read two less pages of my book, try on one less shirt with my customary black pants, have the baby's outfit in my head before I go in to wake her up, leave at 7:04 vs 7:09. All of this really chaps my hide!

Random thoughts:

A friend of mine left for Argentina on a solo mission. I can't even fathom what that would feel like stepping into another country alone.

New trend of going grey on purpose, not so much. I'll continue to pluck the one straggler I've got thank you very much. However, a strange side of me can't wait to get a few greys and see if I look as regal as I think I am. Perhaps I'll get reading glasses too! Okay this is sounding a bit like when I was 8 and really wanted braces, so I would take the wrapper from my piece of juicy fruit and fit it just so around my upper choppers. God I was gorgeous!

Reading a delicious tale called Here on Earth by Alice Hoffman, thought it would be fluffy after reading the jacket, something about woman returns to hometown to find old love blah blah. The jacket really didn't do it justice. I can't stop thinking about it. I am right in the story with the main character March, consumed by a man, forgetting my domestic duties, wishing the children would go to bed by 8 not 8:15! My work pal tells me it disturbed her. Can't wait.

Wait wait wait, you want HOT coffee?

Is a weekend at the cabin more or less stressful? Do tell. Spent a few nights on Lake Mille Lacs with family, BFF, and her lovely daughter. To summarize the Other spent around a total of 8 hours working on the tractor and the boat. A good 3 of those 8hrs were filled with expletives I'm sure. He then spent another 5-6 hrs mowing the yard, nothing like quality family time. This meant it was us ladies manning the fort i.e. toting the noodles, towels, shovels, pails, various plastic toys, and the children to the lake for swim time. It was us same women cooking, cleaning, and yelling "put your underwear back on", "don't eat that dirt", "stop hitting"....All in all a great trip. We even got the chance to explore Brainerd. Having never been to Brainerd it was quite the adventure finding the Walmart (I kinda expected to drive into town and there'd be a few houses and the Walmart). Well after seeing the fairgrounds and the Pepsi factory we finally made it to Walmart. It took about 45 minutes to locate 3 items. NOTHING seems to be where it should be and the workers apparently aren't trained as to the location of items or even general areas such as "home goods". When we asked one blue vested worker she stared off into space. After 30 seconds of watching her work out our question her reply started with "I'm pretty sure its....".

So then comes McDonald's. Nothing like a great fast food experience. Already I was a little annoyed. I wanted strong coffee, coffee that makes you feel like you've been slapped in the face. So having to settle for McD's was one thing and then this happens:

ME to 21yr old store manager who has a look on her face that is very anti-customer service: hey do you have those lattes?
Bitchy store manager: NO!
ME: hmmm okay (notice poster for iced coffee asking me to add a shot of flavor syrup)...I'll have a large coffee with a shot of hazelnut and the same with sugar free vanilla for her
Bitchy store manager: (confused look) so a large coffee ....with hazelnut?
ME: yeeees (not sure why she's so confused there's a massive friggin poster practically begging me to add a flavor shot)
ME: we want it hot though, right BFF? (BFF confirms she too wants hers hot)
Bitchy store manager: (even more confused) so you want the coffee hot?
ME: (really wondering why she's so confused, has no one ordered HOT coffee before?) right, we both want it hot.
16 yr old boy working coffee station: what? They want it hot? do they still want the cream? he doesn't say this directly to us despite us being less than one foot away, he says it to this manager girl who then turns to us and I cut her off and say "still want the cream". Now I'm pretty f-ing annoyed, what's the deal here? Hot coffee, shot of syrup, NOT asking for an AIDS cure here, what the? Then I notice he's making the coffees in the large cups made for ICED coffee. So these cups will probably MELT if you put hot coffee in there.
ME to bitchy store manager (who is now just staring at us with a look of disdain on her face): Ummm don't you have cups for hot coffee?
Bitchy store manager: yeah
ME: well can you use those? I'm pretty sure those cups will burn us.
Bitchy store manager: so you want the styrofoam cups?

I look at BFF as if to affirm I'm still in reality and haven't landed on Punked or that old show Boiling Point, because as of now, I'm at the Boiling Point and I'm about to turn into my old school self.

ME: yes. The cups you have for HOT COFFEE.

Bitchy store manager walks over to 16yr old boy and looks over her shoulder at us before saying in a loud whisper "I guess they want it in the styrofoam cups". I guess? Really? Uh no, I'd rather burn the sh*t out of myself while handling a minivan filled with children, that's better. Forget the styrofoam I'm living on the edge man!

BFF looks at me and says: We gotta get outta here

My sentiments exactly.

Whew its been crazy!

So uh yeah, its been weeks since my last post and I'm sure inquiring minds do want to know! My great friend asked me why I started a blog...hmmm my answer, same as serial killers. I'm narcissistic of course. Ha! Really I've kept a diary since I was around 8 years old. I've documented everything from the first time a boy asked me to lift up my shirt, to the heartbreaking middle teen years where I wore a Bell Biv Devoe T-shirt that said DO ME! on the front, to my children's births. So I figured, hey, I think I'm funny and I'm usually right (being a Libra and all) so here's the blog! Recent happenenings in a nutshell:

Babies are the bees knees (love that phrase, also "hot damn")! I went to a baby shower this past weekend and was lucky enough to hold my new baby cousin who is 10 weeks old. Her hair is dark, thick, and gorgeous. She looks somewhat like a newborn with Liza Minelli's hair. Love her mucho. Still think I'm done havin' 'em though. 3's enough unless someone hands me a do-it-yourself liposuction kit and a couple hundred grand.

Six 11yr old boys spent the night at my house for my son's birthday party. At 1:30 in the morning I had to scream "its time to turn off the strobe light!" The response "awww mom, we're being zombies!"...

Same night, 4:30 a.m., my 3yr old sits up (in my bed mind you) and pukes all over. I then with one arm, scoop him up and deposit him in the hall and in a very loud whisper "to the bathroom" unable to follow orders as usual, he stands and watches himself throw up on his jammies which fittingly say "Lil' Monster" on the shirt. Thanks Carter's, tell me what I don't know.

Dear Oliver Stone- take a page out of Mel Gibson's book wouldja this whole hating Jewish people and then talking about it in public hasn't really turned out so hot. I mean c'mon. Mr. Stone wants the viewing public to "walk in Hitler's and Stalin's shoes to understand their point of view". Hasn't the WORLD seen their points of view since 1936? Hmmm how does the view from Psycholand look? Still psycho. Thanks Oliver. Make a different movie.

Dear Lindsay Lohan: lip injections will not turn you into a great actress. Don't believe the hype!

Life in heat

Spent the weekend on Lake Mille Lacs, it was fabulous and HOT. The cabin was probably 90 degrees and I find out day 3 that oh yes, we have air but good ol' father in law just doesn't want to turn it on. My daughter was sweating in a diaper.


Last night run down, came in about to make dinner, dropped GLASS butter dish on kitchen floor, shatters EVERYWHERE. Feeding Evalina, decide to give her yogurt, drop entire dish and it splatters EVERYWHERE including ceiling fuuuuuuuuuu**….then my favorite, doing laundry catch my pants on broken laundry hamper and it RIPS A HOLE in my new little black capris that I JUST BOUGHT.

So uhhhh yeah

The Unknown Unknowns

I was reading an article today that basically discussed proposed and discussed the idea that if you're stupid, do you know you're stupid? This logic extends to if you're a bad parent, would you know you're a bad parent? If you're the kind of person who uses "to" when it should be "too"...do you know how insane that makes me? Oh wait, didn't mean to get personal. Okay but this got me thinking, truly contemplating this whole woman/man relationship thing. Obviously my relationship is drama filled, enough to be fodder for many therapy sessions. I have enough material that I could have been Oprah's only guest her entire TV career; I digress. Anyway the Other has been upset for 3 years over pictures. Not just any pictures, but specifically pictures of ex boyfriends that I have in various photo albums. I chalked up his behavior as pure madness and have stood my ground and not removed the pictures, boxed them up, or burned them in a ceremony as he wished. I basically looked at it from my point of view which is, I could care less if he still has photos of ex girlfriends because (this is my head talking) I know who I am! I am the greatest girlfriend he's ever had or gonna have so who cares about his past nothings. I then used my thoughts and opinions and pressed them onto him. A sort of, if I feel this way, so should you, actually so WILL you. If not, a shrug of shoulders and let you suffer.

And the pictures remained. In drawers, in photo albums, on shelves. Under his eyelids.

He told me last night "you haven't heard me for 3 years". First reaction was this guy is nuts! I'm THE best listener ever. Then a little something crept in and all of a sudden I thought, maybe I haven't listened. (this is where the stage goes black and the spotlight shines on me)...I, for once, feel I might have been wrong. (collective gasp of shock from audience). I, the staunch Libra, was wrong. I have asked him probably four thousand times to look at it from my point of view, walk in my shoes, see through my eyes....and if he can't do that then just do whatever I'm asking him to do because I asked. Really. I have expected this from him the entire time and seen no problem with it. It's almost a trumped up version of my 3yr olds demanding "because I want it" but in my mind its been justified because I work my a** off and I do this and I do that so just do for me!

I don't want anogsonosia people! I am revolting against the unknown unkowns! My mind feels open and breezy and just ready for more growth.

A man at a restaurant in Hayward, Wisconsin (Norske Nook...mmmm is hollandaise on the food pyramid?)...was on the receiving end of my baby girl's smiles and cooing. She just couldn't stop turning around in her high chair to stare at this man and his wife/girlfriend/friend. They smiled and played along as patrons at public places sometimes do (vs. hissing and making cat pawing motions like some non kid friendly folks) ...after a while he says to me out of the blue. I don't have this exact but something like "I've been working on brain scans of men and women who are right or left handed and comparing their brain functions". Both left handed men and women use both sides of the brain; he continues (I swear he paused for effect as he watched me shovel hollandaise covered lefse into my mouth with my left hand) "left handed men use mostly the right side of the brain and will switch and use their left side when needed, we found that women who are left handed utilize both sides of their brain almost simultaneously basically using the most of the brain of anyone either right or left handed". I responded with something like "thank you for validating my entire life". I do know when I'm stupid!

GTL? More like Just "L"

So wrapping up a roller coaster week of life in the suburbs...my man's not leaving me anymore. See how fast that goes? Blink and you'll miss the breakups! He apparently has "too much invested in this"...me? Yeah, I guess I do too, I mean I birthed some kids and clean and work all day. Yup, I gotta a lotta (wo)man hours in, too many to hang up my boots...So my 3yr old has turned into a lil Napolean. Did I mention how I came home and Other had shaved his head??? Without MY prior approval? I almost screamed. All he was missing was lil black laced up Doc Martens and a faux miliatry jacket..Remy anyone? Do questions via blog make sense?

Onto a weekend of laundry, reading People and carting the children around. I think I'll wear tank tops, aviators and a lot of lip gloss too. I've got a great wheat beer in the car. I think I'll drink all six of 'em. Whooo just like college! Then I'll do 10 spider man push ups and feel buff.

I told a pal that I'd started a blog, he said "oh good, now other bored people can read about how bored you are".

Thoughts The Tuesday After It All

My lil' girl wore her first over the top frilly white dress for her birthday party. She shoved an entire piece of cake into her mouth and promptly used both hands to run thick gobs of frosting through her hair. Hmmm cake frosting, oil spill...do I smell a quick cheap fix? We also celebrated Father's Day. My wonderful father sipped silver tequila and watched the ball game with the men, ate guacamole and told me it was the best Father's Day he's had. Que bueno!

My significant other....well that title doesn't really fit, my Other, stayed up until 4am the previous night and wasn't quite in the party mood. I've tried to explain to him that young children don't care when you stay up too late, drink too much, and feel like getting up at noon. So he brooded the whole day and then did it all again the next night. Having an adult child is just not that much fun.

Yesterday he told me he's leaving me. My response "when exactly?". He didn't answer. Dang it. Someone told me that if the relationship makes it 5yrs you're pretty much in there for the long haul. We are just about 4yrs in and I am drowning. I think I'm just meant to be single. Someone also once told me that men are good for three things and two of those are money. The Other is unemployed.

Last but not least, watched one of my fave shows, The City. Of course I'm way behind because 3 kids has somewhat affected my ability to catch more than 10 minutes of television here and there. Anyway, all I have to say is, yellow harem pants? Really? What's next Zubaz?

Another year, already???!!! Exclamation!

Whew what a day of paper shuffling! It took me all morning to decide whether or not I'd have a salad for lunch. Literally all morning. I decided on potstickers and sesame chicken. No, I don't feel guilty, although, I am still hungry. I'll ponder this tomorrow morning. Well I'm on the precipice of my daughter's 1st birthday. Somewhat a double edge sword of happiness and the blahs. I mean wow, the first year is over and now onto the next phase of potty training, saying "no" over and over and over and watching her sprout teeth and an attitude. I've put away the wretched (although life saving) pump. No longer do I have to spend 15 minutes every 3 hours trying to remember cascading waterfalls to feed my lil' girl. I don't have to tolerate the stares of the athletes wondering why this woman comes into the women's bathroom in the gym sans workout gear and carrying a suspicious black case. Aaaaah I will miss planning what I would do if I ran out of batteries and would have to hook myself to the wall and then the maintenance guy comes in and I'm sitting there with my bra around my neck trying to frantically shove my boobs somewhere. What will I plan now?

My significant other slept on the living room floor last night, versus in our bed. This would be okay had we been in a normal fight however, we weren't, at least not that I know of. I asked him why he was sleeping on the floor in the middle of the living room and he answered "it's safer"...hmmmm my mind is reeling. Is he afraid he'll axe me in the night because I've told him over over how much I don't like him? Or is it because he drank too much and the floor is just closer to the floor? Must figure this out!

Mom goes to a concert alone! Applause please.

Living in the land of Kael has me confused. 5th grade graduations, little ones with ear infections and a toddler whose favorite phrase is STOP IT and partying like I'm single until 2am. I went to The Black Keys concert this past week and have decided to First: sell all my belongings and send Visa a note with a picture of my middle finger Second: Use the proceeds of this great garage sale to buy an orange Volkswagon bus type thing Third: because I'm a safety freak when it comes to the kids, outfit the van with indestructible car seats which will really piss off the 10 soon-to-be 11yr old Fourth: leave a message with the office that No, I didn't win the lottery but please hold my job while I take the kids and follow The Black Keys around to perfect my ability to bob my head HARD and air guitar at the same time. Okay long runon sentence. I started a blog...whooo hoooo, something to feed my ego which has since the beginning of time encouraged me to write all my deepest darkest secrets on "paper" for the world to see. Well now its out there, here. How exciting I'm the one billionth link when you google "moms starved for alone time". Last but not least the family and I went to Wisconsin this weekend. It was 62 and rainy. Thanks Midwest June.